Feeling so burnt out. How do you keep going?

[SalmaWillis]

This is gonna be a vulnerable one so please be nice.

I'm halfway through my first year of grad school and I am exhausted. Like, bone-tired. Soul-tired. The kind of tired where you sit down to do work and just... stare at the wall for an hour.

I used to be a good student. 3.8 GPA in undergrad, honors thesis, all that. Now I'm barely keeping my head above water. I did one reading this week. ONE. And it was only 15 pages.

What's hitting me hard:

• Imposter syndrome: Everyone else seems so smart and I feel like I got in by accident and they're all about to find out.
• Constant pressure: Publish or perish, network or fail, apply for everything or you're wasting your potential.
• Isolation: I moved to a new city for this program and barely know anyone. My cohort is nice but we're all too busy to actually be friends.
• Money stress: Stipend is tiny, rent is high, I'm eating a lot of rice and beans.
• No breaks: Even when I'm "relaxing" I feel guilty for not working.

Things I've tried that sometimes help:

• The 5-minute rule: Just do 5 minutes. Sometimes that's all I can manage.
• Going outside: Even 10 minutes of sun helps a little.
• Calling my mom: She doesn't understand grad school but she understands me.
• Exercise: I hate it but it does help. Sometimes.
• Therapy: My uni offers free counseling. I've gone twice. It's okay.

What I haven't figured out:

• How to stop comparing myself to others
• How to rest without guilt
• How to know if this is "normal" burnout or something worse
• How to keep going for 2 more years (plus PhD?? am I insane??)

For those who've been through this:

Does it get better? Do you learn to handle it? Or does it just get worse until you break??

I'm not gonna drop out or anything dramatic. I'm too stubborn for that. But I need to hear from people who've survived. Tell me your secrets. Tell me it's worth it. Tell me I'm not alone.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far.